PERSONAL
Relationship Counseling & Couple Therapy | Mediation | Coaching | Workshops
Berlin & Online

My Approach
Similarities connect. Differences are invitations for individual and shared growth.
Types of conflict
& possible approach
There are two basic types of conflict in long-term relationships (according to Gottman).
Around 70 percent of arguments in relationships are “perpetual”.
In practice, however, a crystal-clear distinction is not always possible. This makes a method-neutral and flexible approach that takes individual requirements and challenges into account all the more important.
"Solvable" Conflicts
“Solvable” conflicts refer to specific, situational problems that can be traced back to individual behaviors in specific situations. These conflicts are often context-dependent and relate to specific events that do not spill over into other areas of life. They can be dealt with by developing creative solutions. The aim is to find creative solutions together by looking at the underlying interests and needs.
Mediation can be helpful in providing structured support for the process and contributing to finding creative and sustainable solutions.
"Perpetual" Conflicts
“Perpetual” conflicts refer to permanent behavioral patterns. These are issues that are not easily resolved and that people in a relationship argue about again and again because they touch on deeper differences: differences in personalities, priorities, values and beliefs. These differences will always be there because people are often attracted to people who are very different in certain aspects. This may be what makes the relationship particularly attractive at the beginning: people who do not replicate us, but complement us and with whom we can develop further.
Coaching, Relationship Counseling and Couples Therapy can be helpful in finding ways to deal with differences. Resolving conflicts is not the primary goal here - dealing with them is more important.
The importance of relationships for our lives
“All real life is interaction.” - Martin Buber
Relationships - whether romantic, family or friendships - are the foundation and the most important building block of our existence. Relationships shape our lives in many different ways and are deeply rooted in our human nature. The need for connection and intimacy is a central element of what makes us human. Positive interpersonal relationships not only promote our emotional well-being, but also contribute to a longer and healthier life. Studies show that people with strong social connections are less prone to stress, have a lower risk of depression and heart disease and have higher overall life satisfaction. Good relationships provide us with a network of support and understanding that is particularly valuable in difficult times. They enrich our lives and make them more fulfilling and happier. It is important to recognize that relationships exist in different forms and contexts. Romantic relationships - whether in marriage, partnerships or polyamorous constellations - are just as important as family ties between parents and children, siblings and grandparents. Friendships and professional relationships between teams, managers and employees also play an important role in our lives. Ultimately, all these different types of relationships help us to feel part of a larger community and enrich our lives in many ways. They not only offer us support and security, but also the opportunity to grow and develop to our full potential.
It cannot and does not always have to be “cloud 9”
Es ist vollkommen “normal”, dass in Beziehungen Krisen und Konflikte auftreten. Es wird immer wieder Momente geben, in denen man nicht weiß, was man gerade braucht, in denen man über seine eigenen Grenzen geht und im Nachhinein feststellt, dass man nicht ausreichend auf die eigenen Bedürfnisse gehört hat. Es ist ein fortlaufendes Ausprobieren, Lernen und Anpassen - ein Prozess. In einer Beziehung treffen unterschiedliche Welten - Kulturen, Werte und Erwartungen - aufeinander. Wie kann es da nicht zu Stress und Konflikten kommen? Veränderungen und Unterschiede können Unsicherheit und Ängste auslösen. Es ist ganz natürlich, dass die Vielzahl an Optionen und Möglichkeiten in einer Krise überwältigend wirken kann. Die menschliche Natur ist sicherheitsorientiert – das hat uns als Spezies das Überleben gesichert. Erstmal eine Angstreaktion zu haben, ist also menschlich. Dein Gehirn fokussiert in krisenhaften Situationen daher möglicherweise eher auf negative Dinge. In Beziehungen kann das dazu führen, dass wir das Verhalten unserer Beziehungspersonen negativ interpretieren und nur noch das sehen, was als gefährlich oder schädlich empfunden werden könnte. Wir nehmen möglicherweise nur noch einen kleinen Ausschnitt wahr, nicht das große Ganze. Doch das bedeutet nicht, dass Du hilflos bist. Im Gegenteil: Du hast die Möglichkeit, bewusst zu entscheiden, welchen Weg Du gehen möchtest. Es ist eine große Chance, denn in Momenten von Veränderung und Unsicherheit liegt das Potenzial, kreativ zu werden und neue, stimmige Lösungen zu finden. Es geht nicht darum, sofort die richtige Lösung zu wissen, sondern neugierig und offen für neue Wege zu sein. Menschen sind dynamische Wesen. Veränderungen sind ein natürlicher Bestandteil des Lebens. Auch unsere Beziehungspersonen entwickeln sich ständig weiter, und es lohnt sich, neugierig zu bleiben und immer wieder neu zu entdecken, wer sie inzwischen geworden sind. Beziehungen sind keine festen Zustände, sondern dynamische Prozesse, die sich ständig verändern dürfen. Die Frage ist nicht, ob sich etwas ändert, sondern wie wir damit umgehen, wenn es passiert. Neugierde zieht uns in die Zukunft, und mit ihr entwickelt sich die Fähigkeit, aktiv zu gestalten. So transformieren wir Unsicherheit in Gestaltungskraft und schaffen Raum für positive Veränderungen und Wachstum. Es kann und muss nicht immer „Rosa Wolke“ sein. Die Frage ist: Wie möchtet Ihr damit umgehen? Herausforderungen und Konflikte sind Teil des Lebens, und sie bieten zugleich die Chance für persönliches und gemeinsames Wachstum. Deshalb ist es wichtig, eine offene Haltung zu entwickeln, die sagt: "Herausforderungen und Konflikte sind willkommen, denn sie sind der Nährboden für Entwicklung und Wachstum." Mit der richtigen Gestaltungskompetenz und mit hilfreichen Konflikt- und Kommunikationsfähigkeiten könnt Ihr diese Herausforderungen konstruktiv meistern.
Changes
& Differences
Uncertainty
& Fears
Curiosity
Creativity
Conscious and active relationship development
→ Self-determined and individual relationship management
“Problems cannot be solved with the same thinking that created them.” - Albert Einstein
Alle Menschen werden in bestimmte Familienkonstrukte hineingeboren, in denen sie zunächst wenig bis gar keine Möglichkeit haben, die Strukturen zu ändern. Oft führen wir später Beziehungen, ohne zu wissen, dass wir diese bewusst und aktiv gestalten können. Anders als in der Kindheit oder Jugend, wo wir noch stark von außen geprägt wurden und bestimmte Rollen von der Außenwelt zugeschrieben bekamen, können wir als Erwachsene unsere Beziehungen selbstbestimmt individuell führen. Doch leider gibt es kein Schulfach, das die Fähigkeit zur Beziehungsführung lehrt. Wir kennen in der Regel nur das, was wir in unserem Elternhaus erlebt haben. Diese Gestaltungskompetenz muss erst entwickelt werden – ein lebenslanger Prozess, in dem wir uns unsere automatisierten Anforderungen und Erwartungen anschauen, sie hinterfragen und entscheiden, was wir davon behalten möchten und was nicht. Bewusste und aktive Beziehungsgestaltung bedeutet, dass Ihr Euch sowohl Eurer eigenen Bedürfnisse und Wünsche als auch der Dynamiken in Eurer Beziehung bewusst seid und diese aktiv gestaltet. Um eine Beziehung bewusst und aktiv zu gestalten, braucht es gute Selbstwahrnehmung und Selbstregulation, offene Kommunikation über Interessen und Bedürfnisse und die Fähigkeit, gemeinsam tragfähige Lösungen zu entwickeln. Jede Beziehung ist einzigartig und erfordert individuelle Lösungen. Es geht darum, wie Ihr Euer Leben und Eure Beziehung so gestalten könnt, dass Ihr Euch wohlfühlt und zufrieden seid. Es erfordert neue, kreative Ansätze, um alte Muster zu durchbrechen, positive Veränderungen herbeizuführen und andere Wege zu gehen. Die Paarbeziehung wird im Laufe der Zeit zur neuen Familie – unabhängig davon, ob Kinder vorhanden sind oder nicht. Falls es Kinder gibt, hat die Paarbeziehung große Auswirkungen auf das gesamte Familienleben, denn die Art und Weise, wie Eltern miteinander umgehen und kommunizieren, prägt auch die Kinder. Deshalb ist es entscheidend, wie wir mit uns selbst und miteinander in der Paarbeziehung umgehen - für uns selbst, für einander und für die folgenden Generationen. Selbstbestimmte und individuelle Beziehungsführung bedeutet, selbstwirksam zu agieren. Anstatt unbewusst von einer Situation zur nächsten, könnt Ihr bewusst entscheiden, wie Ihr miteinander umgehen möchtet. Das erfordert Neugierde und ein ehrliches Interesse an den Bedürfnissen des anderen, um eine Lösung zu finden, die alle Seiten berücksichtigt. Konsens basiert auf Selbstbestimmung, nicht auf Fremdbestimmung – Ihr gestaltet Eure Beziehung gemeinsam, auf Augenhöhe. Gleichzeitig spielt auch Selbstverantwortung eine zentrale Rolle. Eure Beziehungsperson:en ist:sind nicht dafür verantwortlich, Euch zu „fixen“ – das liegt in Eurer eigenen Verantwortung. “Mentale, emotionale und sexuelle Selbstbefriedigung” (nach Nele Sehrt) sind Aspekte, die Ihr selbst gestalten könnt, um Euer Wohlbefinden in einer Beziehung zu fördern.
Conscious Relationship Development
Thinking & Feeling
Consciously perceive, reflect and understand relationships
Skills: Self-perception & Self-regulation
How would you like to shape your relationship?
What are your personal relationship visions and how do they fit together?
Through clarity and mindfulness, you can move from unconscious automatisms to conscious decisions based on interests and needs. It's about taking the wheel into your own hands and consciously determining the course, instead of driving through life on autopilot.
Active Relationship Development
Taking Action
Putting conscious decisions into practice
Skills: Open communication about interests and needs
& the ability to jointly develop viable solutions
What new options for action can you develop?
How can you resolve conflicts constructively and improve your communication?
Using specific communication and conflict tools, you can develop new options for action, resolve conflicts constructively and improve your communication purposefully.
From an unconscious to a conscious decision
“Life can only be understood backwards, but lived forwards.” - Søren Kierkegaard
Understanding occurs backwards - by reflecting on the past: we learn from the experiences we have had. Decisions, on the other hand, are made forwards - with a view towards the future. We often make decisions based on old patterns that we have adopted from our family structures or social role models. These ideas of how a relationship “should” be often follow an automated script without us being aware of what we actually want and need. Making a conscious decision means pausing and reflecting on what our wishes, needs and expectations really are. It's about not simply following the ideas presented to us, but actively deciding: “I'll do it the way that's right for me or for us.” There are two sides to every decision: What is the good in the bad and what is the bad in the good? When everything can be questioned, there is a multitude of possibilities to shape the relationship individually and according to your own ideas. There is nothing that has to be. The only thing that matters is what is right and coherent for you.
The meaning of conflicts in relationships - “Conflicts as opportunities”
“Those who argue well can find their way to the better.”
“Internal and external conflicts are the breeding ground for development and change.”
The decisive factor is not the presence of arguments, but the way in which they are conducted. Whether there is more or less arguing in a relationship has no bearing whatsoever on the quality of a relationship or connection. The decisive factor is the “how” of arguing - not the “whether”. Arguing is not negative or positive per se because, as always, there are two sides to the coin: conflicts can be both stressful and enriching. The decisive factor is how you deal with the situation and how you conduct the argument. Differences in a relationship are not only sources of tension, but also enrichment. We often unconsciously choose relationship partners who challenge us in a particular way and mirror our own unresolved issues. Differences can be a key reason why we enter into a relationship with a particular person. We unconsciously choose people who help us to recognize and work through certain inner issues. The inner system thereby attempts to achieve healing or growth (according to Jürg Willi). This results in personal growth processes. And at the same time, growth pains - pains that we would understandably like to avoid, but which make great development possible if we allow them. Food for thought: Why did I choose this relationship person? What does my inner system possibly want to learn from this? Conflicts in relationships are often perceived as disruptive and negative, but they have enormous potential: conflicts can be a great opportunity - like fresh seawater flowing into a calm harbor and bringing something new along with it. An opportunity for growth and change. A chance to meet emotionally. A chance to deepen the connection. A chance to get to know yourself and each other better. An opportunity to consciously and actively shape the relationship according to interests and needs. Conflicts in relationships offer the opportunity to break down old communication patterns and develop new strategies for conflict resolution. By opening up and showing who you truly are today, you can develop a deeper understanding of each other. Through constructive confrontations, we not only get to know ourselves better, but also the people in our relationships. This enables us to actively shape relationships and respond to everyone's interests and needs. Conflicts offer the space to meet emotionally, deepen intimacy and strengthen the relationship in the long term. If everyone in the relationship is prepared to address relevant issues and really listen to each other, this can lead to a positive bonding experience and enrich the relationship. In this way, conflicts can help to adapt the relationship to changing interests and needs.
From Under- or Over-Challenge to Challenge
“In the midst of difficulties lie opportunities.” - Albert Einstein
It's about shaping conflicts in such a way that they are challenging, but neither underchallenging nor overchallenging. Both harmony and disharmony are needed in a relationship to ensure both security and further development in a relationship. Harmony offers security and stability, disharmony keeps the relationship alive and encourages personal and mutual growth. A good balance between harmony and disharmony is crucial - a state of challenge rather than being under-challenged or over-challenged. That's why it's important to develop a certain joy in disharmony, to accept differences and to see conflicts as opportunities.
Under-Challenge
Harmony at any price: Neither avoiding conflicts nor immediately resolving them are good prerequisites for a long-term relationship. Stagnation and blockages cut off the connection - to yourself and to people in your relationship.
Without acting out conflicts, there may be little to no discussion of one's own and each other's interests and needs, and consequently no open exchange about them. Those who do not know themselves and each other well cannot build and maintain a deep connection.
When there is insufficient challenge, there is too little tension and friction and therefore no reason for change and development.
Challenge
Balance between harmony and disharmony: A certain degree of disharmony is beneficial for a relationship. Tensions and frictions create the necessary dynamics that are essential for change and development. Without these impulses, there is a risk that a relationship will stagnate because the necessary impulse for further development is missing. Conflicts stimulate us cognitively and are a sign that we are emotionally invested in the relationship and are willing to deal with the interests, needs and wishes of the people in the relationship. As long as conflicts occur, there is still interest and commitment. If indifference takes hold, this can be a sign that people in the relationship have become emotionally distant from each other.
If we learn to accept conflicts as challenges, see them as opportunities and manage them well, we will emerge from them stronger.
Over-Challenge
People polarize in conflicts, that's natural: The longer a conflict lasts, the more extreme and entrenched the positions can become. This can trigger emotional stress, insecurity and fears that can put a strain on the relationship. In crises, old behavioral patterns often come to the surface, and the greater the stress, the more we fall back into these old patterns.
Long-term disharmony can be overwhelming. It is therefore better to get out of the conflict spiral sooner rather than later and learn to argue well.
The “How” of Good Arguing - How to Transform Conflicts in Relationships into Connection
“Good arguing is the royal road to good understanding and a deep connection.”
Arguing can be good and beneficial - if you know how. For people who argue well, conflicts are not war. They are an opportunity for closeness. Transparent and emotional communication and the development of secure communication and conflict rules can be helpful for this. There is no universal "recipe" for good arguing - what good arguing looks like is individual for each relationship. These three ingredients may also be on your recipe:
Transparent, interest- and need-oriented communication
Safe communication and conflict rules
5:1 ratio of positive and negative interactions in a conflict
My way of working
I guide and support your process by using structure, systemic questions and impulses to help you look through doors that may have been invisible or closed until now and enable you to decide for yourself and consciously which doors you want to go through.

How do I work?
I have different methods in my toolbox. What do they all have in common? My systemic approach.
I work with and according to these principles:
Communicative
Confidential
Flexible
Empathic
Professional
Empowering
Impartial
Warm
Individual